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A community of cancer survivors supporting each other.

Missing my mom.

This night two years ago I was holding my moms hand. I ran my fingers through her hair just like she used to do to me when I was a little girl. I whispered in her ear that I was right there with her. And I was. As she took her last breath. I was there. Nothing prepares you for that moment. I never thought I could go two days without talking to her and now it's been two years. I honestly don't know how I've done it. But I have. Maybe it's because I hear her. I hear her when I talk. I hear her when I sing. I hear her when I cuss. (My kids always say I sound like nana when I cuss.) I feel her when I cook. I feel her when I read our favorite books or watch our favorite movies. I feel her when I wear her sweater and her gloves. I feel her every morning when I put on her necklace. I know she will always be with me because she is a part of me. Until the day I get to see her again...

4 people like this post.
Susan J threw a punch at your cancer.
Jill, Nancy sent you a hug.
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I so feel your pain. I was dx with anal cancer and spent 1 month in the hospital thinking I would not make it. The first night there I was in so much pain and was having chronic diarrhea. I had a complete bowel obstruction. They wanted to do surgery, but my wbc was .01. I told my mother I did not think I was going to live. She held me and told me I was going to be alright, all I had to do was fight. I lived. A year later to the date of my dx, she was dx with pancreatic cancer. She fought well, but died from hemorrhaging after her oncologist ordered too high a dose of blood thinners without consulting her GI doctor after an incision was made putting in a bile duct stent. I was with her the entire time. It is hard with Cancer running in a family. But it is good to have the ties that bind you to your mother and her memories. Praying for your healing.
Billea likes this comment
I wish we didn't have things like this in common but it helps to know someone understands exactly how I feel. Thank you Laura.
Such a beautiful post. Reminds me of this poem, DEATH IS NOTHING AT ALL:

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.
That was perfect. Especially the end. Thank you Susan.
I'm sorry you lost your Mother, she must have been young, too young. When I was younger I was horrified by death. I still don't like it, but I find the older I get, the more natural it seems to lose people, my elders that is. Ellen was gone a month yesterday, the 11th and I dreamt of her. She brought her long gone Golden, Murphy with her and I swear I felt his fur. I hope I live whatever is a "normal" lifespan, and when it's time, I will gradly go to my loved ones. You will feel this too when you get old, like me, lol. God bless.
Billea, Susan J like this comment
I'm learning. I really am. It started in 2008 when I lost my brother. Everyday almost seems a lesson. Losing loved ones, cancer diagnosis and so on. But I try to smile and laugh everyday. Try my hardest to be as happy as I can be. Otherwise it just hurts to dang much. I take being happy over hurting any day. But some days it's a toss up. Glad I have you guys. Y'all help me make sense of it all. Glad your here Marcia!!
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Vital Info

Posts

October 8, 2016

Oklahoma

Cancer Survivor

Cancer Info

Pancreas Cancer

Endocrine

November 3, 2015

Stage 2

Yes

Having to tell my dad and brother after we lost my mom earlier the same year to cancer.

I'm a fighter just like my mom.

March 1, 2016

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